I recently read this really useful post on the Partnership's Decoder Blog about how to talk to your teen and increase communication. To check out the Decoder click on the link in the right sidebar. Keep reading below for the post from the Decoder.
How to Get Your Teen to Open Up and Talk to You More (and Text A Little Less) By Julie RossWhen I asked my 17-year-old son if teens would rather text their friends than talk to their parents, he laughed and replied, “Oh yeah.” When I asked why, he said, “Because parents just aren’t that interesting and friends are.”
In her article for the Utne Reader (November/ December 1992), Brenda Ueland writes, “Don’t ask your poor children those automatic questions – ‘Did you wash your hands, dear?’ – those dull, automatic, querulous, duty questions (almost the only conversation that most parents have to offer). Note the look of dreadful exhaustion and ennui and boredom that comes into their otherwise quite happy faces. And don’t say, ‘How was school today, dear?’ which really means: ‘Please entertain me (mama) who is mentally totally lazy at the moment with not one witty or interesting thing to offer …’.”
In her article for the Utne Reader (November/ December 1992), Brenda Ueland writes, “Don’t ask your poor children those automatic questions – ‘Did you wash your hands, dear?’ – those dull, automatic, querulous, duty questions (almost the only conversation that most parents have to offer). Note the look of dreadful exhaustion and ennui and boredom that comes into their otherwise quite happy faces. And don’t say, ‘How was school today, dear?’ which really means: ‘Please entertain me (mama) who is mentally totally lazy at the moment with not one witty or interesting thing to offer …’.”
Let’s face it. Teens are not that interested in talking to someone whose sole intent is to pepper them with questions, judge their answers, and offer unsolicited advice. In fact, these forms of communication serve to obstruct rather than facilitate communication with our teens. As a matter of fact, they are part of a longer list of communication blocks that parents would do well to avoid if they want their teens to talk to them.
Are you guilty of any of the following communication blocks?
Commanding: “Do your homework. Go brush your teeth. Get your backpack packed.”
Advising: “Well, what you should do is…”
Placating: “Oh, honey, it’ll be ok. You’re a beautiful girl and I know you’ll get a date to the prom.”
Distracting: “Don’t dwell on it. Let’s watch the game together – that’ll take your mind off of it.”
Interrogating: “What happened? What did you do then? Why did you do that? What were you thinking?”
Sarcasm: “Oh come on. It’s not the end of the world after all.”
Being a know-it-all: “Well you should have known better. Cyber bullying is out of control and the more sites you’re on where you interact with others, the worse it can be. I told you about your second cousin, right? Well, she was on Facebook and I know everyone says it’s harmless, but it certainly wasn’t for her. In fact, one day she went to her wall and blah, blah, blah, blah…”
Denying your teen’s reality: “You’re wearing that? It’s freezing out.” “I’m not cold.” “Put on a coat or you’ll freeze!.”
Negating feelings: “You don’t need to feel embarrassed (sad, overwhelmed, nervous) about that.”
Most parents, upon hearing these, wonder if they’ll be able to say anything to their teen again because, as Ueland observes, these communication blocks form “almost the only conversation that most parents have to offer.”
So does this mean that we should forgo our parental role and become entertainers? Of course not. It does mean, however, that we should respect our teens as burgeoning adults and afford them the same courtesy we would to a good friend. Ms. Ueland suggests that it is part of our job as parents to be “the fascinated listener” to our children’s remarks. Once your child believes that you are truly interested in him, he will open up and begin to talk… even if he’s never done so before.
So how do we go from communication blocker to fascinated listener?
- If your teen has already shut down and does not talk to you about his day, communicate with him about yours. Find something interesting that you can talk about with passion or humor and tell him– just like you would a friend.
- If your teen is telling you something that makes you itch to respond by teaching her a lesson, hold your tongue – for now. Parenting is about both technique and timing. Sometimes we are teaching the right lesson at the wrong time. When your teen is talking to you, it is the wrong time to teach him a lesson. Remember that unless it requires an ambulance, it’s not an emergency. Things that are important, rather than urgent, can be handled after you’ve had some time to think about the most effective way to communicate the lesson.
- When your teen talks to you, use the skill of “Tell Me More.” Perhaps she is telling you how unfair it is that she got a poor grade in school. Instead of leaping in with advice and a lesson in morals, simply say “tell me more” in a non-judgmental tone. Then listen without judging.
- Learn the techniques (which I will include in my next post) that you need to know in order to impart advice, guide your teen, and teach him ethical behavior: it’s worth the effort.
So how will you know if you’re succeeding when you and your teen are face-to-face? Brenda Ueland sums it up nicely by saying “the light in a child’s eyes is a splendid gauge and tells you in a split-second if you are failing…”
Avoid blocking communication and pay attention to the light in your teenager’s eyes – it may transform your teen from a texter to a talker.
